Dancing Dark Circles

Sorry that I haven't posted any "Nick News" lately. So here goes...Nick & I went down to JHH on Friday for his LP #4 - Nick did great. He really hates this procedure, but alas, there is nothing we can do about them, he has to have them. Good news, Nick's spinal fluid is currently clear of leukemia cells!

Nick's counts have been steadily improving, although, the platelet count has drifted down slightly, so he may need a platelet tx. next time he goes down, which will be on July 3rd due to the holiday on July 4th.

The "formal" donor search has been started. Twenty-seven preliminary matches have been found. This did not seem like a lot to me, however, this is considered to by a high number of potential candidates. Now those people will be called and they will start to come in to have their blood drawn to take the matching to the next level. We are hoping for a 10 out of 10 match! This process can take anywhere from 4-8 weeks, before Nick would actually be getting the BMT. So there is no way of know when we will get the call for Nick to come in for his pre-testing and then his pre-BMT regimine.

I still feel like I am in a bad dream. My mind is always racing and I don't feel like I can get on top of anything right now. I survive day-to-day. I guess I appear on the outside to be doing OK. But, I feel like my life is in a free fall and my parachute is not opening. The days are going by so fast. I need everything to STOP so I can catch my breath. I talk until I can't talk anymore, I fight with everyone about anything. I am driving everyone in my family crazy.

The initial SHOCK of the diagnosis is over now...oh yeah....Nick has leukemia. Yawn...ho hum.
There is too much information to process and not enough time to make sense of it all. I need a personal assistant, a maid, a cook, a chauffeur and someone to put my freakin' file cabinet together; because by God, I have a lot of filing to do (this is long story involving my husband)!

Is this hell's waiting room? Take a number and wait your turn. Shhh...sit quietly. Read the rules on the wall. "Don't make any noise, don't be mean, don't be rude, don't ask so many questions, don't worry, don't cry, don't wonder why, don't jump up and down on the furniture screaming expletives because none of this makes any sense."

I am losing things. I left my keys in the door of my car on the parking lot of the grocery story. I drove the wrong way on an exit out of the drug store. What the hell is wrong with me? This is how soldier's in Iraq get killed. They get some bad news from home and they can't be there and they are trapped in this horrible place doing horrible things and their mind wanders and then, bad sh*t happens! Sara says I have dark circle under my eyes. I am dancing dark circles through the darkness with dark thoughts circling in my head.

“I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all.” ~Richard Wright